More simulations here...... 
HOW TO SIMULATE LIFE IN THE U.S. NAVY
EXPERIENCE AUTHENTIC SHIPBOARD LIFE
-- Enter the real world of life at sea --
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it haze gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Usually your stay will, be extended.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
3. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record book) of the readings.
4. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. Stop and eat some greasy chili if you can find some.
6. Stock up on powdered milk and powdered eggs. [Jim Allbaugh of the OK City]
7. While driving on vacation, have your wife plot your position using relative bearings. [Pete Kemeliotis, OS3 (71-73)]
8. Several Tips:
Wait on line in your kitchen for 45 minutes before eating. Have your meals on moving, metal trays. Fill your coffee maker with chickory and egg shells. Declare "Save Water" and only allow 30 seconds to soap-up and 30 more to rinse-off. Only use silverware with dried food on it.
Fold and store all of your clothing in your night table. Bolt all your tables to the floor. [Joe Caruso, ET Shop (68-69)]9. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and restrict yourself to the house for a month.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays turn off the water completely and declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so now all bathing is secured (prohibited).
11. Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.
12. Have your next-door neighbor come over each day at 5am, blow a whistle so loud, that the shift changes at the nearest Ford plant, and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."
13. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day; with your family, stand in the back yard at 0600 (6 am) while your mother-in-law reads her/the "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Repeat this everyday expect Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case you may opt to do it seven days a week.
14. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".15. Submit a request form (chit) to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 1500 (3pm). You must submit the request chit two days in advance. Instruct your father-in-law to hide for added realism. When you find him listen to a lecture on "work ethics and responsibility."
16. Submit a special request chit (form) to your older brother requesting half a day off to conduct personal business. Listen to his standard response, "Give me an original excuse, and I may consider it."
17. Invite 200 to 1000 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, and then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...You and one third of the 'friends' can't leave until the next day - you have duty.
18. Shower with above-mentioned friends.19. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.). Make each family member re-qualify every 6 months. Hold weekly one hour classes after working hours on enlightening topics such as "Breathing," "Hand Washing," and "Walking."
20. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
21. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trash cans over the fantail".
22. Repaint your entire house once a month applying a generous coat of Red Lead and Yellow Chromate to any bare spots. Dispose of any empty or partial cans of paint by tossing them off the nearest bridge into any navigable waterway.
23. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. Fry everything and serve cold. Note: You must not gain weight on this diet while locked in the house for six months or you will be single out for the 'fat boy' program.24. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
25. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. Send every other week's mail randomly to Japan or Italy.
26. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
27. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies, which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.
28. Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house and add eight handles to every door.
29. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
30. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe or Asia, and call it "world travel".31. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald's, and NOT get promoted.
32. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
33. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. (Again, apply a generous coating of Yellow Chromate to any bare spots.)
34. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
35. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry or refrigerator.
36. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.
37. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
38. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst, January is a good time.
39. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
40. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite Para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS! Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the 'friends' NOT to shower on a regular basis and an additional 10% NOT to change clothes more than once a month.
41. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack!"
42. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
43. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
44. Install humidifiers throughout your house. Fill humidifiers with a half and half mixture of water and 90 weight gear oil. Remove the muffler from your lawn mower and bring it into the house. Run humidifiers and lawn mower on high constantly. (Engine Room Simulation) [Chief Reyes]45. For ex-engineering types: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it eight hours a day.
46. Have the paper boy give you a haircut or have someone under the age of 10 give you a haircut with sheep shears or as a last resort have your 5-year old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
47. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
48. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.
49. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
50. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
51. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread (Call this Midrats).
52. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
53. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
54. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
55. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
56. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout, "Man overboard, starboard side" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond. Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea".
57. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular, "Stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
58. Go to the local convenience store as soon as they open up. Buy as much hot soda as you can carry. Go home, pry up the air conditioning registers in your house and stash as many cans of soda that you can into the ductwork.
59. Call your local wholesale grocer and have them send a truck full of boxed canned goods to your house. Set up roller tracks from the truck to your crawlspace opening. Call all of your neighbors over. Have them get under your house to catch the boxes as they come off the tracks. Then have them carry them up to the first floor and stack them from floor to ceiling in the hallways. Make sure you watch your neighbors closely, so no one steals any boxes before they are stowed away, thereby eliminating neighborhood "cumshaw". If any potatoes are delivered, stow them on the back porch.
60. Duct tape your kitchen stove to a rocking chair. Pour 3" of sugar all around the perimeter of the cooking surface. Give the chair a good kick and fry 2 dozen eggs at once trying to keep them from pouring onto the floor.
61. On a rainy day, put on your best suit and change the oil and filter in your car without getting your suit dirty.62. Strip and wax all the hard floors in the house twice a week and buff them daily, but only walk on the edge nearest the wall.
63. After parking your car, lift it up on jack stands at each corner so the wheels are not touching the ground. Wrap a rag around each jack stand then coat the rag with brake grease to keep rodents from climbing up it.
64. Remove all the plaster/press board from the walls and then sequentially number all the vertical framing members. When someone yells to you asking where you are you yell back the frame number.
65. In the middle of the night, blindfold your family members, put them in a room, spin them around really fast so they get dizzy, then tell them to meet you at some random location as fast as possible. Do it again later in the week but reduce the time by 10 seconds.
66. Every other Saturday turn off all power to the living room and hang a red tag from the breaker switch that has been signed by two people other as well as yourself, unplug your stereo, open it up and use an OHM meter to test every component to make sure it is within specifications. When done, re-assemble the stereo, plug it back in, turn the power back on in the living room and have the red tag signed by one of the other people, including yourself. You can't leave the house until the procedure has been followed exactly as stated.67. Once a week polish every metal fixture in the house whether it needs it or not.
68. Clean the bedrooms and bathrooms every day. However, use only one bathroom and make it available for only 1 hour in the morning, 1 hour in the afternoon, and 1 hour in the evening.
69. Every day sit on your driveway with a notebook and pencil for four hours on a wooden chair. Every time a car, bicycle or airplane goes by write down the time, direction and what it is in your notebook. When you can no longer see it write down the time and that you can no longer see it. Every time a person walks by log the same information but also talk to them and note if they were Friendly, Neutral, or Unfriendly.70. When you leave your house make sure to take the phone off the hook so it will be busy all day. [ Mike C.]
71. Observe the ship board multi telephone line rule. One line is always reserved for the use of your father-in-law, one line reserved for your mother-in-law, and the third line is reserved for official business. If you want to make a personal call, walk two blocks to a convenience store and wait in line at the pay phone.
72. Install a bell on the front porch. Whenever your father-in-law comes over ring the bell 4 times and announce his arrival/departure over a megaphone. [PO3 Petras]73. Every time you leave or enter the house salute the porch light and ask your dog for permission to leave or enter the dwelling. [Paul]
74. ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) At random intervals from 1000 to 2200 (10 A.M. to 10 P.M.), have a biker gang with sledgehammers pound on your roof to simulate the launching and recovery of aircraft. At night, after the family has gone to sleep, have the bikers drag chains and heavy equipment across the roof to simulate the 're-spotting' of the aircraft for the next morning's flight schedule. [AT2 Adam C. Vonder Ahe-Cossey]
75. Install flashlights (battle lanterns) at the precise height at which to bang your head in the dark. Point the flashlight and important items (such as the sofa, all doorways, stove, etc). Occasionally turn the electric power off at the mains and run around the house turning on all the flashlights. [DC2 Scott Corbitt]76. Remove all wrist watches from the family. Use the dinner bell as a systematic time indicator. Ring it madly when every body is their hungriest and announce the "Chow-line is not open for an hour." Do not drool when you hear bells. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
77. Have an electrician certify as 'safe' and hang a tag on every electrical appliance you own, no matter if the appliance is brand new or if its own manufacturer claims it is up to safety standards. [Michael White]
78. Place fire extinguishers on the bulkheads (walls) of your home at elbow level next to the door openings to conveniently rip your shirt. [FC2 Pickett]79. Stand in your living room with all the lights turned out, except for one red light by which you read a small print book. [QM2 Judd]
80. On the hottest day of the year, have your local mechanic inspect all the fans and air conditioners per the "MIM" (maintenance instruction manual) for resistance to ground. When he finishes, have him announce, "They failed the 'xyz' and 'opq' tests. I'm required to cut off all the plugs." [Former Carrier Sailor]81. Place your home on large hydraulic jacks. At random intervals, kill the lights and have the jacks move your home to and fro at random unexpected intervals and angles. (Simulates dropping the load {loss of power} in 20 foot seas). [ABF2 Yanes]
82. Gather the family and drive to McDonald's. Park twelve blocks away, line up and slowly walk toward the front entrance moaning and griping each step of the way. Reach the door just as they are closing. Have the manager yell, "Chow is secured." [William Jackson]83. Invite 60 street people with bad habits to room with you for six months at a time. When ashore at a naval air station take the worst three and room with them for the rest of the year. [AZC D.Velasquez USNR (Ret)]
84. Move out of your home for six months leaving your wife with three children and dog for a tour of solo parenting. Return and immediately begin to tell your spouse how to run the house and raise kids. Warning - this usually result in revised copy of the rank structure and job descriptions for the home. [Steve Donovan]
85. Before leaving or arriving at any location require your family to stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour. [Special Sea Detail/Man The Rail]
86. Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while your grandfather reads the complete Old Testament book of Numbers. [Change of Command, Retirement, etc.]
87. While driving in foggy weather, instruct your children to turn around and look out back window and make reports on anything they see. [Low Visibility Watch]. [ PO Petras]
88. Have you wife set off the smoke alarm. Grab a pair of headphones (without walkman) and microphone (without cord), run into the kitchen and stand by the stove. To no one in particular say "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for four hours doing nothing. DO NOT sit down. After four hours say "Stove secured", once again to no one in particular. Return to your regular business. [PO Rich]89. String lines (ropes) from your roof to your neighbor's roof at 0500 (5am) have all family members assemble on the roof wearing lifejackets and hard hats. Stand around until 0800 (8am). Send everyone inside telling them it will be 2 hours until they will be needed and they should get breakfast. Wait until the first fork of food is in their mouth and call them back to the roof. Transfer the contents of your neighbor's garage to your garage using the lines strung from roof to roof. Repeat every 3 days changing the times to randomly interrupt every meal. [Underway Replenishment at Sea - Unrep] [BM2]
90. Assemble the family at the local high school football field at 0600 (6am) every day. Have the kids line up side by side to the full width of the field. Tell them you have hidden a gold nugget on the field and if they find it they won't have to line up at the football field for one day. [Hint: It is very small.] Also inform them that mom is behind them and that she likes to collect things. Have the kids walk slowly toward the other side of the field, heads down, no talking, picking up every piece of chewed gum, lint, or pebble and hand it to mom to put in her handbag. Remind the children that there is a golden nugget so they will be excited and look more intensely. The purpose of the hunt is to keep the lawn mower from sucking something into the blades and spitting it out the other side. [FOD Walk Down] [Brad]
91. Twice a week at 0230 have your neighbor sneak into your house with a bell and a bullhorn. Instruct him to get as close to you as possible without waking you then ring the bell and scream through the bullhorn "Fire! Fire! Fire! There is a Class Alpha Fire in the Galley!" As soon as you peel yourself off the overhead (ceiling) get half dressed and run for the door, have him yell, "This is a drill!" [Fire Drill] [DC2 Scott Corbitt]92. Install a 10 inch composite loop fire main system in your house. Designate a closet in your house as a repair locker, equip it with firefighting gear. Hold fire, smoke, and flooding drills every day. [DC3 Dustin Strong]
93. Enlist a team of paintball players to run through your dining room shouting "Security Alert!" At this, you should drop to the floor (deck). Best done during mealtime. [Michael White]
94. Stand in line at the local mini-mart for a lottery ticket when the jackpot is around $100 million (simulates either the chow line, mail call, or the ships store on payday on an aircraft carrier). [Michael White]95. (Submarine Simulation) Install air lines throughout your home with connections every eight feet. Store surplus gas masks (one for each member of the family) under the kitchen table. During your favorite dinner, announce with megaphone "toxic gas in the forward compartment, all hands don EAB's" (Emergency Air Breathing apparatus). Don the rubber mask and plug into air system. Wait two hours or until dinner is cold and thoroughly congealed. Announce "Secure toxic gas in the forward compartment. Drill is secured." Do not sit down to eat. Shovel food into your mouth while en-route to the garbage pail. Scrape remaining food from plate into garbage and run upstairs and sit in a closet for six hours. Repeat. [Paul Strauss]
96. (Carrier Operations) Have your neighbor stand across the street on the darkest of nights. Give him a flashlight with a cone on the end so that he can signal you when the coast is clear of oncoming cars. When you're halfway across, have him change the signal as a car is ten feet from you and blaring its horn. Break into a sprint and trip over the curb as you try to find the darkest set of shadows to hide in. (Fly 3 LPO/AGO) [Melanye Francisco]
97. (Carrier Operations) Assemble your neighbors on Super Bowl Sunday in the street with push brooms. Turn on all the garden hoses available and use extra strength dish detergent to wash the street. When half done turn on the fire hydrants to the part you haven't washed drenching everyone. (Flight Deck Scrub Ex) [Melanye Francisco]
98. (Carrier Simulation) Move all of your neighbors cars in a seemingly random order 3-4 times a day. (aircraft re-spotting). Ensure at least 10% are deemed hanger queens (aircraft that are used as a parts store for other squadron aircraft) and don't bring them out of garage for six-months while removing 1-2 parts per day. At end of six-months give your kids 3 days to make them all perfect again. (Simulates preparing for Squadron Fly Off) Draw straws to see who must use them first. [Mark Trail]
99. Cover your garage with plate steel. Label the door 'RADIO 1.' Buy an old Cadillac. Take the tires off. Hire a crane and have the operator lift the Caddy six feet and drop it on the roof of the garage every couple of minutes for two or three hours while you live inside the garage. (Gunnery practice or shore bombardment simulation) [Mike Casey]
100. In winter (best around ten below zero), stand outside your house in a light jacket, with a white hat that doesn't keep in heat and a pair of latex gloves for the 2000-2400 (8pm to 12pm) quarterdeck watch. Invite every person you've ever met to your house at 2330 (11:30pm). ("Cinderella Liberty Policy" - everyone back by midnight..). Salute every person that gets near you and grant them "permission to come aboard". Have your wife relieve the watch at 0015 (12:15am) dressed in warm clothes. Spend next two hours warming up and manage two hours of sleep before the next days work. [ET2(SW) Ken Kalish]
101. On six month intervals disassemble, inspect and reassemble your car engine using only a 12" Crescent wrench and screwdriver.
102. Don your Sunday best and go stand on your front porch for four hours. [CWO4 Al Canfield]103. Periodically run your life on an "8 on 8 off" routine. Work 8 hours at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from a grocer distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your neighbors, form a human chain from the truck down to your basement (be sure to route it through the backyard to avoid "officer's country"). Pass all of the contents of the truck hand-to-hand down to the basement. Turn your cap around and go on your normal work shift. Repeat the process the next 8 off shift, but this time unload a truckload of high explosives. [David W. Den Beste]
104. Remove the contents of a walk-in closet and replace with three desks. At the nearest Salvation Army Thrift Store salvage the oldest computer that you can find (make sure that that at least two vowel keys stick) and set it on one of the desks. Take three of your "closest" friends into the closet and shut the door. Give everyone a five page article to type and a 15 minute deadline. As one is typing, have the other two talk, tell jokes, and hit each other. As you type the last page, have someone unplug the computer (do not save the document). Attempt to retype the document with people yelling, "Hurry up." Repeat five times a day. [Chief Kleinsmith]
105. With the help of your two six-year old nephews and a 1976 auto manual, replace the starter in your 1987 car, working only from the top. Have your father-in-law remind you every 3 minutes that you have 15 minutes to finish because the car is needed for the next mission (trip). [Paul Basso]
106. Stand by the phone from 12 A.M. to 4 A.M. with a log book, fire bell, and intrusion alarm panel within reach. Mount a gauge on the wall to read your house's water pressure. Have your youngest child walk around with a tape measure to see if your house is flooding. He/she must check each room every hour and report back to you that all conditions are normal. With each report, phone a neighbor and tell him all conditions are normal at your house and report the water pressure. Have your child wake up your spouse (watch relief) a half hour prior to the end of your watch so he/she is sure to be 15 minutes late relieving you. This ensures that you will get two solid hours of sleep before you face another day. [DCC (SW/AW) Curtis]107. Walk outside your house, preferably in dismal weather, and direct traffic on the street for 8 hours. If a break in traffic flow permits you a short rest, go in the house but don't get into your bed - lie down in the hallway (Flight Ops). [Michael White]
108. Disconnect your TV cable box and stare at static for six hours. Report every 15 minutes to no one in particular, "Sonar holds no contacts." Do not fall asleep. The following 6 hours disassemble your TV and rebuild using VCR operating instructions. Touch a live circuit thereby shocking yourself. Report back on watch and receive extra military instruction (EMI - a mild form of punishment] to hold safety training on, "Why it is dangerous to be electrocuted." [J. Yates]
109. Go to a local bridge, stare at the water for twelve straight hours. [Capt. C. Abernathy, USMC, Ret.]110. At an amusement park, fill your stomach with coffee and ride a roller coaster non-stop. (Coast Guard Patrol Boat Simulation).
111. Pick a six month period when your work and home life are at their busiest, get your neighbor to phone you at 2330 (11:30pm), dress in the dark, and hang a brick on string around your neck and stare at the backyard from your patio. Identify the whereabouts of all bats, crickets, moths and stray dogs by sound and sight, keep a written record of everything you see, and choke down at least one cup of four-day old coffee (preferably black) every thirty minutes. Anytime a critter enters the yard, call your wife on the cell phone to apprise her of its movements. On snowy or foggy nights be sure to blow an air horn at regular intervals to warn the neighbors of your whereabouts. (Midwatch Simulation). [CDR Tom Koehl]
112. Sit in front of your kitchen stove for six hours. Look at nothing but the stove. Maintain a log (record book) of the position of all the knobs. Have your kid randomly report to the kitchen "conditions normal" in the house. Have him randomly ask permission to turn on various appliances in the house. Grant him permission to start half of them, and have him immediately report the condition of the each appliance. [EM2(SS) Sommer]
113. Wash and wax all the cars on your block once a week in the rain to simulate washing aircraft. Have a 10 year old neighbor kid QA (Quality check) the work and tell you all the places you missed. [Naval Air rules]114. Have your father in-law (Squadron Maintenance Officer) set 20 unachievable goals on Monday morning with the promise that if they are achieved there will be liberty for whole family on Sunday. Have the entire family work 18 hour days for the entire week while your father in-law goes golfing. Achieve all the goals. Upon his return Saturday night have him announce one of the following on a rotating basis, Due to operational commitments: (1)The duty section (1/3 of family) will have to work Sunday, or (2) Liberty is canceled. Do this for couple of years and then reward father in-law with a promotion and a medal for superior operational readiness. (Mark Trail)
115. Purchase a beat up 30 year old car (aircraft). Keep the following schedule to the letter and with accurate records of everything. Have three highly qualified people inspect the car before driving (preflight), then have 16 year old who just got his license and knows nothing about cars inspect it again. Have him drive car as if it were a rented Corvette with full coverage insurance (flight ops). When he returns have him tell you everything his one month of vast experience tells him is wrong, using vague phrases. Have three people inspect it (Post flight/Daily inspection) and the next morning even though the car has not moved have three people re-inspect it and repeat twice a day. Every third day replace the alternator before driving. Every 7, 14, 28 and 56 days, take one section apart and reassemble and every 128 days take entire car apart and reassemble. (Mark Trail, A-6 Plane Captain, VA Squadron)
116. Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" (APC - all purpose capsule) to you no matter what the ailment or complaint. "Chest pains, take two of these." "Foot fungus, take one."
117. Gather all the neighborhood washing and mix the clothing in a pile. Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile, stuff the washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by colors. Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a random fashion among the neighbors.
118. Do your laundry using only the rinse cycle with paint thinner for detergent - also add 1/3 cup diesel fuel for good measure. Dry for 10 minutes and randomly redistribute. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]119. On the hottest most humid day of the year, close all the doors and windows in your house, remove all fans for preventive maintenance and disassemble the air conditioner. On the coldest day of the year disable your heating system for maintenance. All family members must wear sweaters, heavy coats and gloves indoors to keep ice from forming on body parts. If going outdoors for any occasion everyone must appear uniform. If one person doesn't have a coat and gloves, all must go without. [PO Petras]
120. Stand in line for an hour to buy a candy bar and soda, only to find out the ship's store is out of sodas and the candy bars are liquid from the heat. [Paul Basso]
121. Cut the ends out of two juice cans, place them over your ears to distort the sound while watching your TV. [Paul Basso]
122. Serve "Stuffed Cabbage Rolls" for dinner and the next evening strip off the cabbage leaves and serve the same thing calling it "Beef Porcupines." [Michael White]123. Leave a 55 gallon drum of fish and crab parts under your bedroom window for three weeks. Have the kids needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping) your exterior bedroom wall from 6 am to 6 pm. (Simulate Drydock) [FC2 Pickett]
124. Have total strangers decide what 10 movies you can watch for the next month and show only these movies. [EMC Morales]
125. Change all your light bulbs to red and declare "darken ship" at dusk. [Chris Avery, GMG-3 of the R.B. Anderson (DD-786) DesRon 15 (1971-73)]
126. The day before the quarterly Physical Readiness Test (PRT) get Yellow Fever and Typhoid shots. Hold a safety stand down immediately following PRT on the importance of hygiene, physical conditioning, and proper diet and nutrition. After the safety stand down, hold a picnic featuring hot dogs and hamburgers (rollers and sliders) plus lots of greasy fries. [Melanye Francisco]127. Paint all NTD (non-tight doors) bright blue and yellow and tell your family these colors promote "productivity." [BM3 USCG]
128. Instruct the the neighborhood kids to crowd around you, patting your pockets down, looking for change. Have them make a lot of noise that you don't understand. Take a handful of pennies from your pocket and toss them in the street. Run like mad when the kids jump for the coins. [Paul Brasso]129. At least once a month have your wife make coffee from salty sewer water. Pretend the coffee is good until everyone has had a surprise taste. (Simulates a boot messcook filling the coffee pot from sea water tap in the head). [Ike]
130. Send $200 every month to a "honey" thousands of miles away that you met on liberty in a foreign port. Send for one year then change to an another one as your first love got married to one of the ten sailors supporting her. [AZC D.Velasquez USNR (Ret)]
131. Number all the doors and windows in your house and label them "X", "Y" and "Z".132. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
133. After 20 or so years of following naval guidelines, have your wife's 22 year old brother come over, take charge and spend the next two years telling you what you are doing wrong. Then have your 21 year old son's best friend do the same thing for the following two years.
134. Have your father-in-law require you to write a 300 page work package prior to authorizing you to take the lawnmower apart. Make sure that he changes all of your adjectives to synonyms and require you to re-write the entire package at least three times before he authorizes the work. The end result package should look exactly like the first one you submitted. {**Webmaster note: This is known as the "Great Circle Law." Avoid heartburn, save copies of documents as the first submission will most likely match the approved submission after numerous rewrites - the great circle.}
135. After you get permission to start work, have the most mechanically inclined member of your house assigned to wash dishes, the next most gifted assigned to sweep out the bedrooms, etc. until the most mechanically inept member of your household takes the lawnmower apart while you observe. He should put it back together incorrectly several times.136. Report to your father-in-law that the work is complete, and explain everything that you did and why. Write a 300 page incident report regarding each incorrect assembly. Use the same approval process as the work package.
137. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200, saying "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors).
138. Hold a ceremony to promote and congratulate the kid that screwed up the lawnmower, your wife's 24 year old brother, and anyone else who had nothing to do with fixing it. Give yourself a poor evaluation in leadership. {**Webmaster note: See also: Marine Corps Wisdom - Six Phases of a Military Operation }
139. When it's over make up stories to tell young folks that make it sound fun.
140. When you reach age 35 invite a young college kid over to your house, salute him, call him sir, put him in charge of everything that he doesn't know anything about. Laugh at him behind his back. [PO Petras]
141. Work 15-20 years as a machinist, and make a 23-year-old English major the boss to tell you how things should be done.
142. Paint ALL exterior surfaces of your house haze-gray, except for the red boxes you will paint around any door knobs, hose bibs, etc. [Mark Pietz, YN3 (72-73)]
143. If you have friends over who smoke, tell them that the Captain has ordered that "the smoking lamp is out, except on the fantail", and have them sit on your patio to take a drag. [Mark Pietz, YN3 (72-73)]
144. If you're having trouble getting the kids to clean their rooms, give this command: "Sweepers, Sweepers, man your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks,ladders and passage ways. When your spouse suggests that you go out and bring some fast food home for supper, just say; I'll buy if you'll fly! [Mark Parker, S, 72-74]
145. Make a pot of coffee in a washtub using one cup of beans to one cup of water, boil it, and drink it next week. [Jack Moorehouse, MU2 69-72]
146. As you're walking down the hallway, make a sudden 90 degree turn and smack your face into the wall. As you're walking the stairs, see if you can make from the top to the bottom in one step. Stuff yourself with "Seafood Newburg" and see how long you can hold it down while riding "The Cyclone" at Great America. [Dennis Laws, AG2]
147. After taking a shower, pour some lighter fluid on yourself to get the smell and feel of navy distillate that always seemed to be in the water. [Tom Mahar, FTC 76-79]
148. Label all your clothes, stuff them in a laundry bag without separating the whites and colors and wash them all together. Then dry them and return them to the laundry bag for the next couple of hours for maximum wrinkles. [Joe Roady, BMC USS Camden (AOE-2) 1976-80]
149. About once per month, enjoy a cool drink of water containing a massive amount of salt. [Mark Parker, OKC, RM3, 72-74 ]
150. Have a security alert, and run down the hallway yelling "MAKE A HOLE." [Geoffrey Baugh SA 76-78]
151. If you had a good night of partying and wake up with a rumble, start yellin "Gang way! Gang way!" to your family on your way to the head. [Roque A.Gonzalez, L/Cpl, USMC, OKC 72-74]
152. While travelling, have your wife take a piece of gum and plant it right on the map where she thinks we are right now." [Skip Laurent, OS3 71-74]
153. If you are bored and have wooden floors, get a fire brick and a broom pole and have an enjoyable afternoon. Do this with your furnace set to 110 degrees. [William Daniel, DS2 75-77]
154. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay 1!".
More simulations here......
Good Luck -- you are NOW on your way to being back in the Navy!
AND DON'T FORGET - sailors love to complain, but most wouldn't trade the experience for anything - once it is ten years in the past.
Contributors To This Exercise:
http://www.bluejacket.com/humor_navylife.html
http://bonnieh.gcinet.net/ussconstant/simulation.htm
http://www.dorje.com:8080/netstuff/jokes/navy.practice
http://www.ussokcity.com/good.htmlRon Barrett (Leahy 1962-1964)
